About Me, Again.

I was asked to do a bio for a new venture that I’m working on and I liked the flow of the writing so I decided to share it on here. It’s a different way of saying what I’ve said before with a sprinkle of some new things. Enjoy.

The first thing that you will learn about me is just how much I despise introductory paragraphs. I always have such a hard time trying to craft the PERFECT opening sentences. I will literally sit here for hours trying to figure out how to tell you what I am going to talk about without telling you everything. I blame my 12th grade AP English teacher. She was the devil. My writing was never good enough for her so I became OBSESSED with trying to prove myself to her. I wrote the best literary piece of my high school career on what my future would look like for my senior project. Comma usage was stupendous, dictation, imagery, and metaphors on FLEEK! The heffa gave me an 89% and wrote, “Good” at the top of the page and took off for not having the regulatory five sentences in the introduction and a run on sentence in the third paragraph… The. Devil.

My name is, She’Kerra and I am 25 years old. I feel like my age is important because it eludes to the fact that I am in a very pivotal time in my life. Kind of like a Brittany Spears, “Not a girl, not yet a woman” type deal. Looking for an adult but realizing that you’re an adult but you need an adultier adult. Knowing a lot but not knowing enough. Wondering when you are going to arrive because you know you have come too far to turn back now. I’m still trying to figure myself out so it’s hard to try to tell you just exactly who I am. I feel like I am changing and evolving into this person that I do not yet know but I’m so excited to meet. I have flashes and visions of who she is and it makes me so anxious that I try to run after her in a full sprint but she says, “Pace yourself, baby girl. We will meet soon enough.” Future me is so chill. Current me? Current me teeters between chill and coffee fueled anxiousness. I have not yet discovered the balance between “let it happen” and “make it happen” so there is always an internal conflict of “GO, GO, GO!” and “Girl, just chill out.” But the more time that passes, the closer my right now comes to colliding with my one day.

I’m a southern girl who honestly could not imagine living any place where cheese grits and Crystal’s hot sauce is not readily available. Writing is my passion and coupled with my Faith, is the only thing that keeps me sane. If I could figure out a way to get paid enough to stay home and do it full time, I would quit my job today and buy a new pair of pajama bottoms to celebrate.

In my mind I’m a superhero. Think Storm’s melanated beauty, Wonder Woman’s indestructability, and Cat woman’s sex appeal. Yep, that’s me. I sit up and think of ways to save the world from all of its seemingly unlimited problems. In my heart, I was put here to do something to fix it, the problem is I haven’t quite figured out just what that something is yet. On the surface I am an introverted, sometimes hard and standoffish, simple girl who you could buy a $5 bouquet of flowers and would be the happiest girl alive. But underneath it all is someone who is forever on the verge of tears because my biggest fear is never manifesting all of the glory that I feel pulsating deep beneath the surface.

I am not a fan of conclusions, either. I feel like there’s always more that I could have said and maybe a better way to say what was said. But I’m learning to just trust my flow and go with what comes naturally. 

Peace& Blessings.

Missed Opportunities.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. It was Monday, I did not get enough sleep, and I was not feeling well. All of that combined with the fact that I just really did not want to go to work, instantly put me in a mood yesterday. So, I went throughout my day not really wanting to entertain anyone, in my own little zone, doing my own thing. I didn’t really have an attitude, I just was not particularly receptive to anyone or any non-work related conversations. So again, I go through my day, get off, go home, preparing to lay down for bed when this thought came barreling into the forefront of my thinking,

“How many opportunities did you miss out on today because of your “mood”?”

That one thought halted EVERYTHING. I went back and traced my day out mentally and although I could not find a particular moment where an opportunity presented itself, I do see moments where I could have definitely worked on my writing. All throughout the day I had ideas of topics, how to word things, and content that would pop into my head, and instead of taking the time to develop those thoughts, I told myself, “I’m not in the mood.” How incredibly foolish and immature of me. Here I am saying just how much I desire to walk in purpose but allowing how I feel to dictate to me what  I do. I had at least 8 hours yesterday to develop myself and I forfeited that time to a “mood.”

How many times have you did the same? Failed to take another step forward that day because, well, you just didn’t feel like it? What opportunity was missed because of it? What blessing was sitting there waiting for you at the very next step? We like to say that “What God has for me is for me,” but if we are not prepared for it, it won’t be. We’re praying for it but we are not prepared to receive it. We are praying for doors of opportunities to be opened but are not ready to walk through them if it is not at the right moment depending upon how we are feeling that day. Had an opportunity presented itself to me yesterday, I would have missed it. There’s no doubt in my mind. But, now that I am aware of that, I am taking steps rewire my thinking in order to ensure that I am able to recognize when a “mood” is about to cause me to forfeit destiny.

Don’t let opportunity pass you by today. Don’t allow a mood to dictate what you are going to do. Be proactive and make the decision to take a step forward despite how you feel.

Peace & Blessings.

Unplug: Rest For A Weary Soul.

This is just something that has been pressing on my heart lately and a post I made on Facebook sparked me to just write a quick blog post on it. The post read:

“For the sake of my sanity,  I mentally block a lot of current events out. When something happens and it’s all on my TL, I graze over the caption and 9/10 I scroll by it. I do this not to NOT deal with whatever it is, but because if I take all of it in at once, I’d lose my mind. So, I take a little in at a time so that I can regulate my emotions and properly process things mentally. I challenge you to do whatever you have to do to take care of your mental health. If you need to delete apps, turn off the TV, turn off the radio, block people, or whatever, do it. The world does not need anyone else who does not have control over their own mind.”

This, for the past three months, has been my philosophy. I live by it, swear by it. I thank God that as this year progresses, I am learning everyday how to control my mind and learning how to do whatever is needed to preserve my mental health. It is so much going on today and as a black woman and as a Christian I feel like I am having to dodge so many darts being thrown my way and if I am honest, some days I am just TIRED. Tired of trying to balance being black, being a woman, and being a Christian. Trying to figure out how to respond to different current events has become such a chore. If I went with my first thought I would be angry every. single. day. Every day. Not a day would go by that I would not be angry because every day SOMETHING is happening. And I mean, I guess that would be fine if it did not go against the Word that is in my heart. So, now there is this battle for my soul taking place between Anger and God. To know that I can be sitting here, seemingly calm on the outside, but on the inside I am SCREAMING, is a scary thought because I wonder just how many other people are out here on the verge of losing it?

I wish I was able to just not care. I have actually tried. I failed. It is just not in me. I am learning that the way God has made me, I tend to feel things deeper than most people, I see things differently than most people. No one even knows this about me but I cry so much. Not even for myself. I can handle the things that life throws at me, that’s cake. I cry because every day I wake up I see someone else that is hurting, someone else whose heart is hardened towards that person, someone else who feels the hurt of that person but is allowing anger to consume them, and then others who just do not care, and I do not know what I can do to fix it. So, then it becomes this burden that I am carrying around with no one to really talk to about it. A lot of times, I cannot talk to another black person about it because many of us are turning away from and are positioning ourselves against the God I serve, and I cannot take that counsel. Just like I am unapologetically black, I am unapologetically a believer in Christ and anything against that, I am against. I feel as if I cannot talk to many other Christians because unless it has to do with homosexuality, we have quietly resolved to just ignoring it. The world knows where we stand on that but when it comes to the gross injustices that are plaguing our nation, all we can come up with is, “Trust in the Lord, He knows all” and have resorted to victim blaming and it’s a cop out. So here I am stuck in the middle and I am tired. So very tired.

But it’s in that tiredness that I hear ever so sweetly…

Unplug.

*deeply sighs*

Oh the sweet relief that comes from simply unplugging. No phone, no social media, no people. Just candles burning, tea infusing, and listening to music and videos that speak to my weary soul. The time that I spend unplugged is time spent decompressing and sitting at the feet of God while my heart cries, “Abba, Abba.” It is Him that I look to for answers because I cannot find them in people. It is in Him that I find my strength, and it is in Him that I find rest. Now more than ever I am finding out how important it is to pull away because if I continue to try to process the happenings of this world on my own, I will eventually succumb to the ever present emotion of anger. My soul will become weak and mentally I will become fragile. He is teaching me how to set up guards and mentally block out things in order to filter them through Him. As I do these things I challenge you to do an evaluation on how you have been feeling lately. How are you mentally? If you are feeling drained, tired, or emotional, join me in just unplugging for a moment. Whether it be a day, a week, or however long you feel that you need, be intentional about taking care of your mental health. Do whatever you like to do that you feel centers you and calms you. Take time for you.

Peace & Blessings…

P.S. I’ve been reading and meditating on the entire book of Habakkuk and James 1 (1 is so good that I cannot seem to make it to chapter 2). There is a lot of wisdom in both and I can honestly say that they both helped me to look at things differently.

 

How Long, Lord?

I was doing some studying and meditating this morning and was writing some things out but decided that I could flow better if I just typed it out. Here are my thoughts:

In the book of Habakkuk and The prophet literally asks ALL of the questions that I have asked within my heart over the past year.  “How long, Lord?” “Why do you force me to look at injustice?” “Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?” On a daily basis I see things that look like and are in direct opposition to the character of God. All of the violence, injustice, and oppression that is taking place causes me to question why God being the loving and sovereign God that He is, would allow these things to happen? It has challenged my faith and caused me to doubt Him because I ask myself, ” How can I serve a God who would allow such heinous and gross injustice to seemingly prevail against His people?”

My heart has broken more times than I can count. When I thought that it was impossible for it to break anymore, it proved me wrong. I have cried and I have groaned. I have felt anger and rage so deep that it started to encase my heart in a impenetrable shroud of hatred because I wanted to know WHY and HOW. People are asking why and how and are not getting answers to these questions and it is causing an insurmountable amount of frustration and anger. But I think what keeps that shroud from completely enclosing me in is this phrase that resounds ever so sweetly within my heart. “For just a time as this…” Every time doubt and anger rises, that phrase rises up to combat it. It has been rolling over in my heart for a while now and I am getting a greater understanding of it each and every day. For just a time as this, that vision and purpose has been placed in your heart.

We can say what we want about 45, and many of us have a lot to say, but one thing I see resulting because of this administration is a resurgence of purpose. Because of the anger and uncertainty we are feeling, it is causing some of those old dreams to be stirred up again. Things that we were once so passionate about, but because of life, laziness, and complacency, we have allowed them to dwindle and become ashes in the corner of our hearts and the things that are happening today has caused a gust of wind to sweep through and ignite the fire again. Fear and anger is the catalyst that is causing purpose to burn again. For some of us, we would continue to go on with our daily lives day in and day out never even brushing up against destiny if we did not have something to provoke us to make a change.

Because of the threat that many will not have the ability to feed themselves and their family, there are people starting programs to combat that. Because of the senseless and unjustifiable murders that have taken place, there are people starting to step into roles of county and state officials in order to combat that. Because of the threat of there being no way for our children to get the education that they need, there are people coming together to build schools to combat that! For millennials, because our ability to make it and the possibility that a debt free life will never be in reach for us, many of us are coming up with new and inventive ways to make it happen. Purpose is being awakened. People are being awakened.

Do  you not know  the answers that are held up in you? Do you not know the GLORY that is housed within you? When God created man, He breathed his very essence within us! So God, being God and all that He is, put all of that in you and I and we have the nerve not to manifest it. Whether you are a believer or not, there was something placed on the inside of you the moment you were conceived. That something is the solution for every situation that is arising today and it is selfish of us not to manifest it.

People are crying out and asking, “why, why, why?” And it is because purpose is calling and we won’t answer. Ask yourself, how many people are going without because I won’t start doing what is in my heart to do? How many laws could I have helped change? How many people could I have helped feed? How many children could I have educated? The moment you answer purpose is the moment that the answer starts to manifest.

I have been asking, “How long, Lord?” and He answered, “For however long you allow it…”

 

Be blessed.

Be Encouraged.

Have you encouraged someone today? If you have, how did it make you feel? If you haven’t, I encourage you to do so. You never really know how close someone is to giving up. That small moment that you take to speak life into someone else could be what keeps them from forfeiting their dream.

I’m a very observant person and I do a lot of people watching. I tend to spend a lot of time alone going to the movies, restaurants, the park, and many other places and if I am not engrossed in a book or lost in thought, I take a moment to put my phone down, and just watch. I take in how people move, how they respond to the elements around them, how they talk, if they smile, if they seem approachable, their disposition, and if I can tell just who that person is just by observing. As I’m sitting, I’ll find someone to focus on and I always ask myself, ” I wonder what God created them to do?” “What is their story?” “Are they operating in their purpose?” and if not, “Why not?” I will sit there and try to answer all these questions and build this life for this person where in the end they are living such a fulfilled and happy life. I know that if the subject of my observation ever locked eyes with me they would probably think I was weird because I realize that as I get to the end of their fictitious life, I am smiling. I’m smiling because they did it! They have accomplished what was in their hearts to accomplish and they are leaving this life completely emptied out because they have deposited their gifts into the world to benefit all that will come after them.

I am so intrigued with destiny and purpose because for so long I did not know why I was here. I struggled for years after high school because I was never taught how to take the time out to discover what I was passionate about and how to flow in that. For a few years, it was all about trying to survive and grasping at things to fill me that ultimately  turned out to leave me even more empty than before. So that eventually led to depression. But it was strange because I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I just could not figure out how to get there. It’s like seeing hope, faith, peace, joy, and fulfillment, but feeling as if you will never be able to obtain it. It frustrates you and, if you are not careful, can make you angry. Nothing good can be produced out of anger.

So now, because I have gone through that, it is easy to see when someone is in that place in life. I have been on the sidelines rooting people on from a distance because I know how it feels to feel like you are not going to make it. I now know that although that is admirable and the intention behind that is good, that benefits no one. Why do you think life coaches and motivational speakers are as prevalent today as they are? Because sometimes all people need is for someone to tell them that they can do it. People need to feel like someone is on their side and that they are not in this thing alone. No, you should not build your life on if someone says “job well done” or not. But it surely makes it a little bit easier to keep going when it is said. You never know how mountainous that cloud of doubt in someone’s life is. And that moment that you take to speak an encouraging word to that person could be the penetrating force that allows some light in.

I am purposing and challenging myself now to speak life to people when I sense that someone may need a little extra motivation. There are some amazing gifts and talents locked up in people and I think that it is time that they are unlocked. We need them, and we NEED you. I encourage you to encourage others and speak life from this day forward.

Peace & Blessings.

Bedtime Thoughts. 

I’m currently preparing to call it a night and as usual I’m having full dialogues and conversations in my head. Playing out scenes and scenarios that would never happen but it helps to excerise my imagination so I’ll let it play until I fall asleep.

As I’m laying out clothes for tomorrow’s workday I have this thought that interrupts all my other thoughts…

“It’s not me doubting God, it’s me doubting myself in Him. I have this deep inner knowing that He is the one true living God, so that’s not in question. The wavering in faith and all of the doubts that I often times have is in the fact that He, being all that He is, wants me. Fully and completely. Messed up, flawed, and all. Me. I KNOW that He can do all things but can He do them through me?”

I don’t know. I tell myself, “even me, Lord, even me. I know that you can use even me.” but do I really believe it? Not really. Maybe in a moment of excitement and zeal. But, once that moment fades…

Maybe one day I’ll really see that even me.

Yet and Still, Life is Good.

Goodnight✨

Are You Happy?

I firmly believe that the album, Losing My Religion by Kirk Franklin was written just for me. From the beginning to the end, he sings and writes what my heart has been crying for years. With every riff, every high note, and every melodic crescendo, it’s as if I’ve been cracked open and every hurt, fear, and moments of doubt have been poured out and intricately woven into these beautiful ballads of faith. When I listen to it, I imagine that all of those tears that I have cried over the years are being used in this beautiful watercolor painting that details the journey that I have been on. It tells of many highs and many lows and there are a lot of grey areas. At some points you see me walking, at others you see me just standing. There are even points where you see me crawling and the colors take on a dark tint marking the depression and anxiety that I have felt at certain times. Then, the colors start to brighten and the hues start to deepen and you will see me get up. I start walking again but there is still some grey up above. But that grey starts to dissipate when “Wanna Be Happy?” begins to play. It is that song that marks a very pivotal moment in my life. It is that song that you will see me standing at a fork in  the road very unsure of which way to go, doubting my ability to make decisions, and too afraid to even take a step forward. But, it was as if that song started to clear the fog and the tears that rolled down my face as it played washed the scales away from my eyes and I could see clearly.

This year on January 7th, I turned 25. And for my birthday I made the confession that I was going to walk in all that I was purposed to walk in. That I would become the woman that I dreamed of becoming and be who I am, unapologetically. What I did not know was that in order to do that, I would have to deal with secrets that I had been keeping, decisions that I had been making, and wounds that ran deep. I thought that I would be able to just start from that moment forward and build from there. But I quickly learned that it would be impossible for me to even come close to fulfilling my purpose if I didn’t deal with it all. And the very first thing that I had to deal with was the fact that I was a hypocrite.

I had been involved in a relationship with this guy for a while last year and got caught up. I’m talking ALL the way up. To this day I still don’t know where he came from or how he got here. All I know is that he was fine. I’m talking FINE. The fact that he was only 5’10 did not matter when I looked at the fact that he was chocolate, had a beautiful smile, lived in the gym, was African, and his native language was French. I was like, “YAAAASSSS!!” And then to top it off, in the beginning, he always “prayed” for me. (I learned later that he was really PREYING not PRAYING. Big difference.) He even cooked for me and he is the reason why I now love plantains and Afro-Pop as much as I do. All of that should have been indications that he was the devil lol. He was just TOO perfect. For the longest I was looking for hints of flaws and could not find a thing. Nothing. He always smelled good, looked good, and felt good. I should’ve known better lol.

As I think back and replay the relationship in my head, I can clearly see what was there all along. But more importantly, I can see how the relationship seemed to suck the life out of me. I see the decline spiritually and how I went from being in such a wonderful place in God to where I was trying to do everything I could to stay out of His presence yet seem like I had it all together in front of people because I did not want to be exposed. The relationship was parasitic and I had gotten so deep into it that the only way for me to get was exposure.

My father had been hinting for a few months that he felt like something was off with me but he just couldn’t figure it out. He had expressed his concern with the relationship but of course I played it down like it was under control. The whole time I was in the valley of decision about ending things but every time I tried to, Mr. Him would do something to make me second guess my decision. Honey, he was smooth. It’s like he could sense when I was about to walk. The conviction would be so real and it felt like there was such a weight on my soul. But Mr. Him and his charming self could charm the pants off of me. Literally. Let me stop here and say this… Ladies, you cannot. CAN. NOT. walk in purpose tied to a parasite, double minded, and dang near schizophrenic because you are laying down with a man (illegally because you’re not married) and in doing so, taking on his personality, who he is, and his being. It’s impossible. You’ll end up spending valuable time sifting through what is you and what came from him. It’s even worse when you already do not know who you are and now you have these foreign beliefs and perspectives deposited in you and you have to fight just to keep yourself together.  There is a reason why you should not have sex before marriage. But that’s for another time and day.

So, eventually I ended things with Mr. Him after a month or two of going back and forth. We just stopped talking. It went from talking everyday, all day to one day not a single call or message. And I can honestly say that I have not thought twice about it. I was quite happy actually. But the exposure I mentioned earlier did not happen until after the relationship was over. One day I was supposed to go somewhere with my family and instead of just saying that I did not want to go, I lied and said I was going somewhere else. Why? I don’t know. But I did. My dad knew that I had lied and knew that I had been lying about my previous relationship for a while and the next morning confronted me about it. It was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I was upset that he had told me how much I had hurt him, but I was even more relieved to have everything out in the open. Even though I was not the one who brought the truth out, I was able to take the moment to be honest about things. It was then that I realized that healing can come from exposure. It was as if that weight that was on my soul had been lifted and I could now start pulling off the layers to start discovering and revealing who I am. It opened the door to a lot of deep rooted insecurities that I had and it forced me to deal with things that I had suppressed for so long. Dealing with them did not feel good whatsoever but it freed me.

I spent a lot of nights by myself replaying past events from years ago and analyzing decisions that I have made I realized that where I am in life is a direct result of those decisions. Whether good or bad, it is on me.

A lot of times as Christians, we want to blame our problems and issues on other people and the Devil when in reality it’s not them, it’s us. Me. You. But we don’t want to hear that. We can get so spiritual and say that, “the Devil is busy” when he was not even thinking about you that day! We have made him the scapegoat when things go awry in our lives and it has paralyzed us from being able to take responsibility for our actions and in turn has turned us into one of the most irresponsible group of people because we can’t even be honest and say that many of the things that have happened in our lives are direct results of the decisions that we have made. I’m not talking about things that are out of our control, but things that you have direct control over. Things that you can actually do something about and we choose not to. Things that you KNOW what the end results will be yet choose to continue to do them. I was one of those people. I was the worst kind because I knew better. I was a fraud and a hypocrite and I was not happy. My soul was split in two and I felt like I was going crazy. But that moment of exposure brought an end to it all and I’m honestly not the same person that I was just 5 months ago.

I know most people will say that 5 months is not a long time and there is no way that someone can have a complete change of heart and mindset but I would say that it can if they make a decision. All it takes is one moment with God. I have been saved for many years and for all these years I have been “trying to live holy” and I have been failing miserably. But one moment with God did what I had been trying to do for years.

“I just wanna be happy
But if I keep on doing the things
That keep on bringing me pain
There’s no one else I can blame
If I’m not happy
Wasted time but now I can see
The biggest enemy it was me
So I’m not happy”

It was this song, this verse that led to a lot of sobs and snot bubbles because it broke me down. It put it all back on me. I was abusing Grace and had the nerve to blame the devil for it. For that, I thank God for Mercy. For not giving me what I definitely deserved. And I thank Grace for allowing me another opportunity to make a decision. How many of you are ONE decision away from beginning to walk in purpose?

This post is way longer than I intended and being posted later than I originally planned but I just wanted to make sure I was being honest about things and honestly it was a struggle because no one wants to admit these sort of things. But nevertheless, I pray  it blesses you. Peace and Blessings.

Remember, no matter what, Life is good…